by Lars Swensen

January is here along with the snow and freezing cold, and once again Kanute’s snow plow service is in full production. People are not happy with Kanute raising his rates. When Bunyan Bay bar owner, Gunner Johnson, expressed his concern, Kanute replied, “For cryin’ in the beer nuts, we’ve had over eight feet of snow so far this year, so we’re raisin’ our rates. If you don’t like it, you can bite me.” To which Gunner replied, “Then you’re not gettin’ any more free beer, ya free loader.” To which Kanute replied, “Then you won’t be seein’ me in your bar anymore, except for weekends.” To which Gunner replied, “Fine!” It got pretty heated, but they finally made up when Kanute offered Gunner a 10% discount at Kanute’s Bait Mart on select leech products.

The construction is finally complete on the new hotel. It took a few years because as we all know, construction season lasts two months a year, while winter takes up the other months. Donna DeCasola is the new owner. Apparently, she’s from Brooklyn, and she calls her place, “Donna’s Hotel and Mingling Lounge.” Asked what a “Mingling Lounge” is, Donna replied, “It’s where people can mingle.” So that answers that. She wanted to let me know that her good friend, Bunny, came in from Brooklyn to help manage the Mingling Lounge, and that Bunny is very hospitable.

Closing with some sad news, last night Sheriff Holmgren discovered the dead body of 92 year old Fin Yorgesen on his front sidewalk. In a press conference, the sheriff said, “The coroner told me he thinks Fin was walkin’ from his car to his front door, slipped on some ice, broke a hip, and in five minutes, froze to death.” Then the sheriff says to me, “Holy jeez, in five minutes he froze to death, fifteen feet from his front door. He was reachin’ for it.” A memorial service will be held at Kanute’s Lutheran Hall of Fame, where those attending will receive a free glass of grape juice in the new Herring and Wafer Bar.

by Solveig Pedersen

Last week was perfect weather for ice fishing in Bunyan Bay at 60 degrees below zero. Kanute Gunderson was using Bruce, his ox, to pull his sled with his supplies onto Bunyan Bay when the ice began cracking and Bruce fell through. Grandma Gunderson tried to help push Bruce out and was kicked in the teeth. Grandma was quoted as saying, ”I don’t blame Bruce. It was just an Oxccident. However, Kanute is another story.” Cards, flowers and beer can be sent to her home on Main Street.

Ole Iverson once again won the Annual Crappie Eating Contest at The Bunyan. Ole ate 19 half to one pound crappies averaging 9 to 10 inches long in 1 hour. He won a gift certificate for Dinner for 1 at The Bunyan (after he feels better), 5% off SELECT bait supplies at Kanute’s Bait Mart and a free bottle of Antacids compliments of Stordahl’s Pharmacy on Main St.
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Solveig Pedersen is a special correspondent to News from Bunyan Bay, and contributes stories periodically because his sister is married to Lars Swensen.

By Lars Swensen

It’s October in Bunyan Bay which can only mean one thing, the Annual Pumpkin Launching Competition. This year we had a slight snafu when an errant pumpkin sailed through Grandma Enquist’s picture window. Thankfully, Grandma Enquist was not home at the time. She was the one launching the pumpkin. However, Grandpa Enquist was home, but was not hurt. It turns out Grandma Enquist was mad at her husband for not letting her watch her soaps. When asked to comment, Grandma Enquist said, “If you dance with the devil, there’s hell to pay.”

In other news, the Bunyan Bay Halloween Party will be held October 31st at the Church of the Unwavering Lutheran. We respectfully ask that no one dress salaciously this year. Last year, Grandma Enquist gave the children nightmares for weeks when she wore her French Maid outfit.

One final note, the leaves are peaking in Bunyan Bay and so is the Bunyan Bay High School Lumberjack Team. The Fighting Crappies beat the Moon Lake Bottom Feeders last week when the Feeders came in second in the Ax Catching Competition.

by Lars Swensen

Well, summer is upon us and we had a great 4th of July parade. Kanute Gunderson won the best parade float with his entry, “A Big Fish,” made out of styrofoam. Unfortunately, after the parade, a big gust of wind came up and carried it away. If anyone finds the float, please return it to Kanute.

In other July 4th news, Jimmy Lundeen almost blew off his little toe with a cherry bomb. That’ll teach you to try and blow up old man Hansen’s mailbox.

By Lars Swensen

The annual “Guess When the Car Falls Through the Ice” contest is underway. Joe Hansen donated his rusted out 1967 Rambler to the contest. In case you don’t know, the rules are as follows: Step 1, Joe drives the car out on the ice and leaves it in the middle of the lake; Step 2, Guess the day that the ice will melt and the car will fall through, sinking to the bottom. Odds are that it will be sometime in June. Send your guess to The Bunyan Bay Picayune along with $2. Winner receives dinner for 1 at The Bunyan.

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