by Lars Swensen

January is here along with the snow and freezing cold, and once again Kanute’s snow plow service is in full production. People are not happy with Kanute raising his rates. When Bunyan Bay bar owner, Gunner Johnson, expressed his concern, Kanute replied, “For cryin’ in the beer nuts, we’ve had over eight feet of snow so far this year, so we’re raisin’ our rates. If you don’t like it, you can bite me.” To which Gunner replied, “Then you’re not gettin’ any more free beer, ya free loader.” To which Kanute replied, “Then you won’t be seein’ me in your bar anymore, except for weekends.” To which Gunner replied, “Fine!” It got pretty heated, but they finally made up when Kanute offered Gunner a 10% discount at Kanute’s Bait Mart on select leech products.

The construction is finally complete on the new hotel. It took a few years because as we all know, construction season lasts two months a year, while winter takes up the other months. Donna DeCasola is the new owner. Apparently, she’s from Brooklyn, and she calls her place, “Donna’s Hotel and Mingling Lounge.” Asked what a “Mingling Lounge” is, Donna replied, “It’s where people can mingle.” So that answers that. She wanted to let me know that her good friend, Bunny, came in from Brooklyn to help manage the Mingling Lounge, and that Bunny is very hospitable.

Closing with some sad news, last night Sheriff Holmgren discovered the dead body of 92 year old Fin Yorgesen on his front sidewalk. In a press conference, the sheriff said, “The coroner told me he thinks Fin was walkin’ from his car to his front door, slipped on some ice, broke a hip, and in five minutes, froze to death.” Then the sheriff says to me, “Holy jeez, in five minutes he froze to death, fifteen feet from his front door. He was reachin’ for it.” A memorial service will be held at Kanute’s Lutheran Hall of Fame, where those attending will receive a free glass of grape juice in the new Herring and Wafer Bar.

by Lars Swensen

It’s February in Bunyan Bay and that can only mean one thing, The Winter Carnival Snow Plow Parade. The weather forecast is 20 below zero for the parade this Saturday. Look for the wind chill bringing it even colder. Former Winter Carnival Bunyan Queen, Clara Johnson, will be the Grand Marshall of this year’s parade riding on top of Hansen’s fire truck. No one else wanted to do it because it’s so darn cold out. Clara, co-owner of The Bunyan, is currently having some marital issues with her husband, Gunner. If you see Gunner or Clara, pretend you don’t know anything about it.

If you were wondering what the construction is all about across from Kanute’s Bait Mart, they’re building a new hotel. It’s uncertain who the owner is or what it will be called, but I’m sure it will be a welcome amenity to Bunyan Bay and the tourists. Earl Larson, owner of the KAO Camp Ground just outside of town is not happy with the development. Earl was heard saying, “Any new fangled development like this will only bring unsavory elements to town, or worse. We should always avoid anything new.” It should be noted that Earl lives in a tent.

One final note, the Crappies are biting right now on Bunyan Bay, so get in your ice house, bring a pint of Schnapps and some leeches and fill that stringer. Happy fishing’!

by Solveig Pedersen

Last week was perfect weather for ice fishing in Bunyan Bay at 60 degrees below zero. Kanute Gunderson was using Bruce, his ox, to pull his sled with his supplies onto Bunyan Bay when the ice began cracking and Bruce fell through. Grandma Gunderson tried to help push Bruce out and was kicked in the teeth. Grandma was quoted as saying, ”I don’t blame Bruce. It was just an Oxccident. However, Kanute is another story.” Cards, flowers and beer can be sent to her home on Main Street.

Ole Iverson once again won the Annual Crappie Eating Contest at The Bunyan. Ole ate 19 half to one pound crappies averaging 9 to 10 inches long in 1 hour. He won a gift certificate for Dinner for 1 at The Bunyan (after he feels better), 5% off SELECT bait supplies at Kanute’s Bait Mart and a free bottle of Antacids compliments of Stordahl’s Pharmacy on Main St.
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Solveig Pedersen is a special correspondent to News from Bunyan Bay, and “contributes” periodically because his sister is married to editor, Lars Swensen.

By Lars Swensen

It’s October in Bunyan Bay which can only mean one thing, the Annual Pumpkin Launching Competition. This year we had a slight snafu when an errant pumpkin sailed through Grandma Enquist’s picture window. Thankfully, Grandma Enquist was not home at the time. She was the one launching the pumpkin. However, Grandpa Enquist was home, but was not hurt physically. It turns out Grandma Enquist was mad at her husband for not letting her watch her soaps. When asked to comment, Grandma Enquist said, “If you dance with the devil, there’s hell to pay.”

In other news, the Bunyan Bay Halloween Party will be held October 31st at the Church of the Unwavering Lutheran. We respectfully ask that no one dress salaciously this year. Last year, Grandma Enquist gave the children nightmares for weeks when she wore her French Maid outfit.

One final note, the leaves are peaking in Bunyan Bay and so is the Bunyan Bay High School Lumberjack Team. The Fighting Crappies beat the Moon Lake Bottom Feeders last week when the Feeders came in second in the Ax Catching Competition.

by Lars Swensen

It’s March in Bunyan Bay and that can only mean one thing, The Bunyan Bay Winter Carnival.

This past weekend, dozens of people from all across northern Minnesota came to Bunyan Bay’s 43rd Winter Carnival to enjoy the events, contests, and of course, fried food on a stick.

This year, Betsy Lundegard won the Ice Sculpting Contest with her entry, “a large block of ice.” After her victory, she cut up the ice block and made frozen margaritas. Ole. In second place was Vern Malmquist with his entry, “Not Sure.” For her victory, Betsy will receive a one week all expense paid trip to East Grand Forks. For second place, Vern will receive a two week all expense paid trip to East Grand Forks.

Jodi Bjorklund won the Miss Winter Carnival Beauty Contest. This year they changed it to the Miss or Mrs. Winter Carnival Beauty Contest since all the single women moved away.

Hungry carnival goers enjoyed lots of fried food on a stick ranging from fried Twinkies on a stick, fried cheese curds on a stick, fried bacon, fried pickles and fried french fries.

On a final note, Sven Halvorsen has been showing off his new Toyota Corrolla by driving it up and down Main Street all week. Okay, Sven, everyone has seen the car, congratulations, now get off the road.

by Lars Swensen

The annual Christmas Tree Lighting was held this past Saturday with only one little glitch. Ninety-four year old Mayor Swensen (no relation), thought the tree was powered by candles and tried to light it on fire. We reminded him that we’ve been using electric Christmas lights since 1942, to which he replied, “Electric?” Will someone please run against him.

The Bunyan Bay Carolers entertained us with popular Christmas songs including, “Grandma Cut the Christmas Cheese,” “Uncle Bob, the Christmas Sponge,” “It’s a Two Fruitcake Christmas,” “All I want For Christmas is the New Teller at the Bank,” and “No More Lutefisk For You.”

In other news, the missing hunter was found. Carl Sagerstrom went missing three days ago from a hunting trip up north. He was recently found at work, the last place anyone thought he would be.

The crime of the century was solved when the leader of a counterfeit bingo card operation was arrested during a sting at the Bunyan Bay Senior Center. Helen Jensen, a.k.a. “Dobber,” was arrested on three counts of minor fraud and taken to the Bunyan Bay police station at the same time they were having their Christmas party. After 20 minutes and three Hot Toddies, they released her on grounds that she’s old. Plus, she never won anything with her counterfeit bingo cards.

Merry Christmas to everyone in Bunyan Bay!

by Lars Swensen

The temperature in Bunyan Bay hit 18 below zero yesterday marking the 8th day in a row below zero. There are two seasons in northern Minnesota, winter and road construction, and we have clearly moved into winter. As confirmation, Kanute Gunderson, owner of Kanute’s Camping, Canoeing and Fishing Stores got his tongue stuck on the town hall flagpole again. Some people never learn. The good news is, Kanute won’t be able to talk for a week.

Bernice Lundstrom won the Bob Dylan trivia question this week with her answer, “blowing in the wind.” It is rumored that Bob Dylan, who grew up in nearby Hibbing, once visited the local bar, The Bunyan. At least that’s what co-owner, Gunner Johnson, would have you believe. Some people think he made up the story to score points with his wife, Clara.

Congratulations to 94 year old Mayor Swensen (no relation) for winning his re-election. Swensen has been Mayor since 1942 enacting such legislation as “Softer food at the Piggly Wiggly,” and “Shut up, you darn teenagers.” This was his narrowest victory in years, barely beating write-in candidate, “Anyone Else.”

by Lars Swensen

Congratulations to the Bunyan Bay High School Fighting Crappies for winning their homecoming game Friday night against the Gull Lake “Large Mouth Bass.” The Crappies are now 3-2 for the year, making this their best football season since Swede “Straightjacket” Larson was on the team in 2006. Because of censorship rules, the school board changed the homecoming slogan from “Kick their Bass” to “Beat the Visitors.”

Bunyan Bay’s 94 year old Mayor Swensen (no relation) is up for re-election in November and his campaign is in full swing. Swensen has been Mayor of Bunyan Bay since 1942 and Saturday night he was seen campaigning at The Musky Lounge, Bunyan Bay’s exclusive gentleman’s club. Will someone please run against him.

The Bunyan Bay Community Theater’s Fall musical will open this Friday. This year the Bunyan Bay Players will present “Dolls and Dolls.” They intended to put on “Guys and Dolls” but no men auditioned.

by Lars Swensen

BREAKING MOSQUITO NEWS – Mosquitoes are out in full force in Bunyan Bay. Yesterday, as you all know, the whole town was put in quarantine because of a freak encephalitis outbreak. It started at the Senior Center, and to take every precaution, the whole town was not allowed to leave their homes. Just to clear up any misconceptions, encephalitis is not when your feet get giant sized. That’s elephantiasis. Encephalitis is when you get bit by mosquitoes, fall asleep, then you die. It turns out that it was a false alarm. It was nap time at the Senior Center. Everyone is now allowed to go outside.

And, no, the Minnesota state bird is not the mosquito. The state bird is the Loon, which is a crazy name for a bird, literally, because it means, “crazy.”

In other summer news, we had a great 4th of July parade. Kanute Gunderson won the best parade float with his entry, “A Big Fish,” made out of styrofoam. Unfortunately, after the parade, a big gust of wind came up and carried it away. If anyone finds the float, please return it to Kanute.

In closing, Jimmy Lundeen almost blew off his little toe with a cherry bomb. That’ll teach you to try and blow up old man Hansen’s mailbox.

By Lars Swensen

It’s June in Bunyan Bay, the fish are biting, and the pontoon boats are on the lake. Just don’t go swimming yet, cause the water is freezing. Speaking of pontoon boats, if you’re one of the few who haven’t heard the mishap on the lake this past weekend, Harold Streelund had quite a party on his boat. Harold, his wife, Ruth, and two other couples who shall remain nameless, since they’re still in jail, brought two cases of Leinenkugel’s Canoe Paddler on the boat, and found themselves up a creek without a paddle. Witnesses on shore say they saw the couples “sword fighting with their fishing poles” before crashing into Hansen’s dock, destroying it and sinking the boat. When Sheriff Halvorsen showed up, he reported that three of the partiers were “running around in their birthday suits.” Thankfully, no one was hurt. We would just like to ask Jimmy Anderson to stop posting photos of the naked ladies on his Facebook page.