by Lars Swensen

January is here along with the snow and freezing cold, and once again Kanute’s snow plow service is in full production. People are not happy with Kanute raising his rates. When Bunyan Bay bar owner, Gunner Johnson, expressed his concern, Kanute replied, “For cryin’ in the beer nuts, we’ve had over eight feet of snow so far this year, so we’re raisin’ our rates. If you don’t like it, you can bite me.” To which Gunner replied, “Then you’re not gettin’ any more free beer, ya free loader.” To which Kanute replied, “Then you won’t be seein’ me in your bar anymore, except for weekends.” To which Gunner replied, “Fine!” It got pretty heated, but they finally made up when Kanute offered Gunner a 10% discount at Kanute’s Bait Mart on select leech products.

The construction is finally complete on the new hotel. It took a few years because as we all know, construction season lasts two months a year, while winter takes up the other months. Donna DeCasola is the new owner. Apparently, she’s from Brooklyn, and she calls her place, “Donna’s Hotel and Mingling Lounge.” Asked what a “Mingling Lounge” is, Donna replied, “It’s where people can mingle.” So that answers that. She wanted to let me know that her good friend, Bunny, came in from Brooklyn to help manage the Mingling Lounge, and that Bunny is very hospitable.

Closing with some sad news, last night Sheriff Holmgren discovered the dead body of 92 year old Fin Yorgesen on his front sidewalk. In a press conference, the sheriff said, “The coroner told me he thinks Fin was walkin’ from his car to his front door, slipped on some ice, broke a hip, and in five minutes, froze to death.” Then the sheriff says to me, “Holy jeez, in five minutes he froze to death, fifteen feet from his front door. He was reachin’ for it.” A memorial service will be held at Kanute’s Lutheran Hall of Fame, where those attending will receive a free glass of grape juice in the new Herring and Wafer Bar.